The Best of Judges Pt.1

Judges is found in the Old Testament that covers about 350 years of Israel's history. The basic theme of the book is God raising up "Judges" to rule over and protect Israel, but like clockwork as soon as the Judge dies, Israel goes back to serving other gods until the true God raises up another Judge; and so the cycle continues. Judges showcases Gods love for his people. Even though they chase and whore after other gods, he is faithful. There is great hope to be found in the book of Judges, as well as some amazing stories. These stories are sad, funny and a few are just downright weird. I am going to share 2 stories in this post, with more to come. Enjoy.

Ch.1 

Judges starts off with a bang. Judah and Simeon (people on Gods team) are pursuing Adoni-bezek (who had previously gone on a rampage of cutting off the thumbs and big toes of Kings in the area). So, once he is caught Judah and Simeon cut off his thumbs and big toes. Adoni-bezek's response lets us in to his personal life (which is a little freaky) "Seventy kings with their thumbs and big toes cut off used to pick scraps under my table. As I have done, so God has repaid me."

This guy is a total weirdo. He goes around cutting the toes and thumbs off of Kings and then makes them lie around and eat the scraps that fall off his table. This dude has got some issues. This is something you would expect to see on CSI or Criminal Minds, but nope...it is right here in Judges 1. 

Note to self: if you meet a guy named Adoni, watch your thumbs

Ch.3

Here we meet Ehud-the studly guy who God called Israel's "deliverer." Ehud apparently likes Splinter Cell and decided to use some of the moves from the game to kill Eglon, the King of Moab (who had been messing with Israel). Ehud made a short sword and attached it to his leg under his robe, and went to meet King Eglon for dinner. Before Ehud left the King for the night he told him that he had a "word from the Lord" to share with him. So, Eglon got up and went to Ehud to hear this "word from the Lord". As soon as Eglon got close Ehud took the sword from his thigh and thrust it into Eglons belly. It says that the hilt (handle) of the sword went in after the blade and that the fat of Eglons belly closed up over the blade...which was immediately followed by "dung coming out" of Eglon. 

Appearantly, he got the crap scared out of him. 

Ehud walked out like a stud and locked the door...and who wouldn't have? He went medieval all over the king. When Eglons servants saw that the doors were locked they thought "surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber". And they waited until they were embarrassed. But we all know that the dude was stinky dead

Eglon a.k.a. Jabba the Hutt, was a punk who messed with God's people which got him manhandled by Ehud. I like to imagine Ehud saying something like "The Lord says SUCK IT EGLON" as he stabbed him. He better have said something cool. My favorite part was when Eglon relieved himself after being stabbed. I am quite sure that Ehud had not planned for this to happen, and even more sure that Ehud was wearing a new pair of Jewish Flyers (so he could run faster and jump higher after killing Eglon)...which probably got crap all over them...which probably made Ehud mad. The funniest part was when the servants waited until it got embarrassing. You know how weird it gets when someone goes to the restroom and has not been back for a while...the thought of them struggling on the porcelain throne is hilarious.

"Hey...ummm...the King has been in there for a while Charlie, you think he's having a hard time?" 

"Man, all I know is that the dude can eat, he can choke a donkey man"

"Yeah, it's official...this is embarrassing"

The scriptures are great.

Fight On